Q. I work with someone who gossips and backstabs other people, and yesterday two people told me he said that I’m not dependable. I know he has the boss’s ear and I’m worried. When I asked him about it, he denied it. How can I stop this behavior?

— Jack W.

A. It won’t be easy, but you can probably make him or her think twice about doing it again. Backstabbers are character assassins. They strike with hidden weapons of lies and innuendoes. Consider the behaviors of backstabbers:

They never deal with issues openly.

When there’s conflict and you ask their opinion, they smile and say everything

is fine: "No problem…whatever you say".

They appear to be supportive, but withhold information you may need. Then,

behind your back, they're critical of you and your ideas.

They Lack Confidence

When you’re the target of this character assassin, you may feel helpless—because you can’t fight back openly. So build up your self-confidence by reviewing your successes, talents and good qualities. Backstabbers don’t respect themselves enough to stand up to a confrontation, because they’re often deeply insecure. (Healthy people have enough confidence in themselves to go directly to a person who disagrees with them and try to clarify or resolve the issue politely.) Backstabbers can’t do that—they can’t handle the possibility that they might be vulnerable, so they point fingers at other people.

Play It Subtly

How to deal with them? Get the issue out in the open, and in person, but don't confront them in a threatening manner. When you know from past experience that this person is just waiting for you to mess up so he or she can go after you, try to "pre-call" the behavior--ask for the behavior you want before it occurs: "Bill, I'd like to check a couple of things with you. I value your ideas and would really appreciate your honest opinion. We’re working together on a lot of projects and not everything will go as smoothly as we’d like it to. I'd like us to agree that any reaction we have to each other’s ideas will be discussed personally with each other before they're discussed with anyone else. Could we agree to that?"

Don't be antagonistic or threatening. Don't try to set a trap or put him in a corner; do it at a time when he or she isn’t under pressure—maybe over coffee or lunch. But watch out if the backstabber responds with something like, “Why do you say this? Is there something I’ve done you have a problem with?” This could be a dangerous trap, because if you accuse him openly, he’ll probably deny it hotly and may even storm away from the table—making further contact even more difficult. You might say, “No, not at all. It’s just that when I work with someone regularly, I like us to agree on how we’ll act and handle disagreements. It helps solve problems more easily, and can eliminate bad feelings later on—especially when we’re both under pressure.”

What if he agrees and you later learn he violated the agreement? Talk to him again, but gently, and discuss the agreement you both had: "Bill, remember when we started this project and set some guidelines on the way we’d work together? It was my understanding that we agreed to air any feelings we had about the issue between the two of us before we discussed the idea with anyone else. I'm concerned that the agreement hasn't been kept completely."

Don’t Name Others

If he denies it or claims ignorance, say: "I'm concerned that other people may have been included in this discussion other than the two of us. I ‘d like to think that you and I can handle this situation as we agreed to. In the future, when there are things you don't agree with completely, here's how I'd appreciate your bringing them to my attention." In other words, never accuse; but continue to restate your need.

For example, if he says, "Who told you that?" just say, "I'm not accusing you of anything. I just want to be clear that my understanding of our agreement is accurate. I believe we agreed to discuss any differences of opinion with each other before we talk with anyone else. Is that your understanding of the agreement?" If you have stronger evidence that he’s been talking behind your back, talk to him again, and don’t let up. Eventually he’ll realize that what he’s doing is getting back to you, because you’ve put his behavior in the spotlight—something he can’t stand. He’s likely to stop backstabbing you, because you took away his hiding place. He’ll just look for another victim.