Q. Some co-workers have told me I have to accept company changes better than I do. It’s hard to do, because I usually think things are fine the way they are. How can I learn to live with change better? —Eleanor B.

A. You’ve already taken the first step—by realizing that change plays a key role in today’s world. And you’ve taken the next step, too, by asking how to live with it. Both of these moves are difficult—but key for survival today. If we don’t live with and adapt to change, we’re likely to get run over by the people who have learned to live with it. I suggest you read a top-selling business book, Who Moved My Cheese? by Spencer Johnson, co-author of The One-Minute Manager.

It’s an easy read, and will guide you, in a clever little parable of four characters, through a maze that represents life’s changes. You’ll learn behaviors that fight change—and those that help you embrace it.

With every major change in our lives, we usually go through the same stages of grieving we experience over the loss of someone we love—identified by Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross (On Death and Dying)— denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. We’re actually grieving for the loss of things like company policy, product, process, culture, style of doing business—or even a manager that we liked. Let’s consider each stage in the grieving process, and the action steps you can take to better adapt to change.

Denial. At this stage we hear people (and ourselves) saying things like, “They don’t really mean it.” “It can’t happen here.” “It’s just temporary.” We feel numb, and go about our work with an “everything-as-usual” attitude. We minimize—or tune out—the new information.

Better:

Assume the change probably will happen, and start thinking about how

you can adapt to it— how you can survive, even turn the change to your

advantage. List the action steps that will minimize the impact of the change.

Then make another list: “What’s in it for me?”—the possible benefits of the

change. For example, suppose you learn that management wants Excel spread

sheets used to track weekly progress—and you don’t know how to use

Excel. One action you could take would be to find out the courses available,

check with your boss, and then make arrangements to start learning Excel.

Anger. At this stage, we feel our blood pressure rise; we get angry easily; we get more stubborn, and blame others when things go wrong. We complain, doubt our ability, feel loss and hurt, and may even start calling in “sick.”

Better:

Find ways to relax more, and think about the change. At this stage, we need to loosen up on some of our habits, and list things we can do to be more flexible and peaceful. Another list idea: identify our talents, skills, and achievements (to help us stay positive.) It’s important that we focus our energy on working even harder and better— turning any negative energy into positive enthusiasm for the change.

Bargaining. Here we try to negotiate ways to avoid the change: consider

asking for a transfer to a new department; try to get our job description changed; defend a critical task we’re doing, or try to get the change postponed.

Better:

Realize that this bargaining is just a stall—an unproductive avoidance

tactic. Instead, focus on ways to accept the change. Ask others on how to get a

head start on benefiting from the change. Instead of focusing negative energy on

finding ways to minimize the change, develop enthusiasm for ways to benefit

from the change.

Depression. We can find ourselves in dark moods, with lots of negative thinking: “The future will get worse.” “Management is stupid.” “It’s impossible.” “I’m going crazy.”

Better:

Look for new ways to be upbeat. Smile more. Renew your hobby outside work. Use more proactive language: “This may be a better way.” “Here’s an opportunity for me to grow.” “This can actually help my career.”

Acceptance. You’ll know you’re you’ve reached this level when you hear yourself saying, “Here’s where I’m headed.” “This is a positive focus.” “I want to help my team to get involved with this, and here’s how I can help them.” “I’ll ask how I can help be an agent of change.”

If you still find that you don’t like the change, you might want to identify new career opportunities and use the change as a stepping stone to figure out the next phase of your life. Often people deal with change for the short term, and don’t develop a long-term strategy to make additional changes in their lives and career. That’s part of coping, too.