Co—Workers: How to Stand Up to Their Rudeness

Q. I'm hoping you can help with a problem I am having with a co-worker. He thinks he can stop at my cubicle and continue with his cell phone conversations. He also thinks he can have meetings at my cubicle with other co-workers. I have asked him nicely to stop disrupting my work and finish his cell phone conversations in his office. I have asked him politely to move his meeting into the conference room next to my cubicle. He tells his meeting participants to lower their voices and to continue on with their meeting!

The last time he had a meeting at my cubicle I told the participants I would be happy to leave my work and my desk and would return after they had finished. This rude person then says they need to relocate my desk! Is it time for me go to HR and make a formal complaint? — Marion T.

A. As I see it, the person who is deliberately distracting you is rude—and an insensitive bully. HR can get involved if this is clearly harassment, which it is if he persists after you've told him you consider it harassment and will file a complaint if he continues. Until that happens, I don't think HR will do much good--they'll probably tell you to handle it yourself.

Bullies don’t consider the feelings of other people. But they typically embarrass everyone who might try to challenge them. Further, they usually pick on people who won't fight back. They think their ideas are stronger and better than anyone else's, and they believe that someone (never them) is wrong.

Your Key: Their Insecurity

It helps if you remember that bullies are really insecure, and many are actually cowards. They cover it up with blustering or blistering attacks on those around them. So it's important that you don't feel—or show—insecurity or hesitation about confronting the bully. Don't minimize importance of the problem. Don't take the blame or apologize for the situation. This puts you in a subordinate position. You must create the perception that you're an equal, and that you'll negotiate as an equal. So focus on what you're going to do next to correct the situation.

At work, you have the right to set limits on what you don’t want to hear, and how you want people to relate to you. Whether the behavior is harassment or not depends on several things. Generally, though, if you’re uncomfortable with inappropriate or unwelcome behavior, and you ask people not to expose you to it, and they do it anyway, it’s harassment. The Equal Employment Opportunity Commission defines it this way:

“ Such conduct has the purpose or effect to interfere with an individual’s work performance, or creates a hostile or intimidating environment.”

I think your first step should be to go to the bully and say something like this: "Your conversations in and near my cubicle are distracting my work. You've done this repeatedly--on (name the dates).I've asked you to stop politely, but you've ignored my requests each time. I want you to know that I now consider this harassment and will file a charge against you with HR unless you stop--and never continue it. If you want this event and this charge of harassment on your employment record, you can ignore me. Do not, ever again, hold a conversation with others in or near my cubicle--go to a meeting room. If you do it again. I will embarrass you in front of the group, and then I will file a charge in HR. Now do I make myself clear? I'm keeping a written record of this conversation and will use it to document your harassment. Do you understand me now?"

If that doesn’t work, then I’d recommend you go to your boss and say, "I've tried politely to get him and others to stop distracting me, but it hasn't worked. (Name the dates the harassment occurred, and the dates you asked them to stop it.) Their conversations are interfering with my work. I consider this harassment. If you'd like to step in and issue an order, I'd appreciate it. Otherwise, I'm going to file a harassment complaint in HR, and I'll also get more assertive and embarrass him and the others. I'd rather not cause this kind of discord with him and the other co-workers, but I will, if I have to, and it won't be pleasant. I want this behavior to stop now, and not occur again. And I want you to know that I will make it stop. Now, will you talk to him or would you rather I go right to HR?"