Communicate Gently—And Get Better Results

Some people get defensive when they’re told they should do something differently. I find a better approach is to ask them why they chose their method. (Let’s hope it’s a better reason than “Because we’ve always done it that way.”) Whenever I hear someone say that, I

I think of the columnist Erma Bombeck, who wrote funny books about everyday life. She said her husband once asked her why she always cut the butt end off a ham before putting it in the pan. She told him, "Because that's the way my mother always did it." Still curious, he asked his mother-in-law why SHE cut the end off when she cooked a ham. She also said, "That's the way my mother always did it." When he eventually talked to Erma's grandmother, he asked her the same question. She said she did it because she had only a square pan to use for cooking, so ham wouldn't fit into it.

It’s an amusing example of doing something a certain way because that's the way it’s always been done, rather than asking, “Why this way?” (A good rule of thumb is to ask “Why?” four or five times to get to the root cause of any problem.) If the reason people give for their actions doesn’t seem to fit the situation, try restating what they said, to show that you understand. Then you can gently suggest another way you’ve found helpful (saves more time; less costly; a local group requires it, etc.)—but not discounting the way they’ve been doing it.

Are You Really Interested?

I usually get great cooperation by showing that I really care. When I show genuine interest in people, they quickly recognize and appreciate it. Then when I suggest possible solutions for their challenges (I avoid the word, “problems”), they’re more readily accepted.

Here’s another idea that sounds simple but is largely overlooked: start business

letters and memos from the reader’s viewpoint. Instead of saying “I liked…”

start with “Thank you for your thoughtful….” A complimentary letter might start with “You were wonderful to….” Or “You really did well on…”Self-interest is a key attention-getting device. Everyone listens to a sentence that starts about him or her!

On the other hand, start statements about your concerns from your viewpoint—using

“I ”statements. Example: “I wonder if you may be handling more projects than you’re comfortable with, since some recent reports didn’t meet the customers’ expectations. Can we talk about clarifying the approach to the report, and what we need to achieve? Maybe we can discuss whether we need to take a look at your workload.”

Try to make a request sound like a request, rather than a demand. It sounds demeaning to hear “I need you to…” (Excuse me, Your Majesty?) rather than, “Tom, I need your help to get this to _____by…” Or, “Does your schedule work with being able to…?” If you have direct power over people, they already know it, and will appreciate your respecting their time and methods. This approach also allows them to question the need, the approach, or the required outcome, without feeling it’s a potentially job-threatening scenario. And it helps you empower them with understanding, which will make them better able to perform the task from a base of shared knowledge—a partnership.

Avoid talking in absolutes. They’re rarely accurate and often dredge up of old, often hurtful, non-related issues. Example: A spouse says, “You NEVER take me out.” “Never” is probably not true, and it erodes the speaker’s credibility, while putting the listener on the defensive: “I just took you to the grocery store yesterday, and we went to dinner for your birthday last year. What do you mean, never?” More effective: “You’re right, honey. “Wouldn’t it be fun if we went to the carnival (or whatever) this weekend? We really haven’t had as many opportunities to share special time alone together as I’d like.”

Another word to avoid: “ALWAYS:” “You ALWAYS interrupt me when I’m trying to do my paperwork at home.” Instead, respond to the next interruption (which is more likely a flattering desire to spend time with you than a desire to bother you) with, “How about if I finish this report in the next 30 minutes, and then we go for a walk together? I’d really rather spend this time with you, but if I get this in on time and it’s well received, we’ll be able to spend the money I earn from it on a great vacation together next summer”.

It isn’t hard to put others’ interests first, if we recognize that we’d want others to treat us the same way. It makes a world of difference, not only in the outcome of our interactions with others, but in our own feeling of self worth—and our contribution to effective achievements.