Confidence: How to Project it

Q. I’m accountant in a large company and was just passed by for promotion. The person they chose seems to concentrate on what I think are superficial behaviors: smiling and shaking hands a lot; positioning himself near the boss at meetings and generally projecting a take-charge attitude. I’m more reserved, and actually think I get more done with better quality than he does. But I’m wondering—am I missing something important in my career? —James C.

A. Experts say that more than half of what we communicate comes through body language. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being reserved and on the quiet side, as long as we project confidence and capability. Communications expert and consultant Jack Griffin reveals what to say and do on the job to get noticed in his book, How to Say It at Work (Prentice Hall). His chapter on non-verbal communication reveals 12 essentials of non-verbal communication to consider when you want to make a good first impression. Here are just six:

1. Make an Effective Entrance

How you enter a room makes a powerful statement about who you are and who you think you are. For some, making a powerful, positive first impression comes naturally and is easy. But even if making a positive entrance and effective first impression is difficult for you, it's a lot easier to make a positive impression than it is undo a bad first impression. In many situations, you may never have the opportunity even to try to correct a bad first impression. Enter a room with your head held high, and greet people warmly and easily—without groping for words.

2. Walk Tall (Even if You're Short)

It’s a fact: Tall people tend to command greater authority than short people. But whether you’re tall, medium, or short—stand tall, and act it. (It wouldn't hurt for shorter men to wear shoes with built-up heels and for shorter women to favor high heels. Moreover, it is a good idea for short men and women generally to dress in ways that appear to make them taller.) Avoid boxy-looking tailoring and horizontally-striped patterns. Shorter men should avoid baggy, loosely cut pants, and shorter women should favor longer hemlines.

3. Enter with a Purpose

Far more important however, is to practice walking tall. This means never entering a room or approaching another person in a cringing, stooped, or slouching manner. Maintain an erect posture as you make your entrance, without hesitation, and with a purposeful stride. How do you acquire a "purposeful stride"? Have a purpose, and know where you are going.

Approach any communication situation by having already formulated your purpose and objective, so you won’t appear hesitant or absentminded. Work out your thinking as much as you can beforehand. The initial message you want to deliver: I know how to carry myself.

4. Smile

Close your eyes for a moment and summon an image of someone who walks tall. Maybe you know somebody personally. The so-called "strong, silent type" is usually perceived as hostile, threatening, and unsympathetic. It sets up barriers, not bridges. Walk tall, and walk in smiling. A smile is an invitation. Anything less than a smile sends the message that you have little or nothing to offer, and that you are receptive to little or nothing. Begin by relaxing. Before you make your entrance, glance downward, move your jaw around, then move your tongue around the inside of your mouth. Inhale deeply, hold it, and then let out your breath forcefully. Do this a few times. When your facial muscles feel relaxed, think about something or someone or some place you enjoy. Imagine pleasurable times, people, and places.

As soon as you approach anyone, look him or her in the eyes. This accomplishes two things. First, it is a proven token of openness and honesty. Second, eye contact instantly transmits energy. We've all heard people speak about the "sparkle" in someone's eye, as if that sparkle were an unusual thing, a thing that made the person in question seem special. Actually, all of us have a sparkle in our eyes, but it is rarely noticed because most people do not make full eye contact when they meet or speak, and full eye contact is needed to make that sparkle visible.

6. Give a Great Handshake

Most of us remember the handshake of someone we’ve met, because it was exceptionally warm and powerful or, worse, cold and dead. Either way, it made an impression. How to shake hands:

• Deliver a dry-palm handshake. If necessary, carry a handkerchief with you

and use it to wipe your hands before you go into a meeting or conference that involves

handshakes.

• Grasp the other person's hand fully, at the palm rather than at the fingers.

• Use a moderately tight grip. Hold the other person's hand a few fractions of a second

longer than you are naturally inclined to do. This conveys additional sincerity and quite

literally "holds" the other person's attention while you exchange greetings.

• While giving the handshake, look directly into the other person's eyes.

• Start talking before you let go: "It's great to meet you" or "Glad to be here."

6. Think Before You Sit

How you enter a room tells those present something about your attitude and approach to business. It’s natural for those already in the room to look intently at anyone who enters "our" territory. So don't rush to sit down—it’ll make you appear anxious. Even if others in the room are already seated, standing for several seconds will give you time to be looked up to--literally. When you stand in a room in which the others are seated, you project authority, however temporary.

If you can, choose a firm chair rather than a sofa or soft chair. You want a chair that keeps you upright and allows you to maintain an erect posture. Don’t choose the seat at the head of the table—unless, of course, you’re running the meeting. And be aware of the “power geography” around any conference table. Try to avoid the seats on either side of the head of the table; they’re the weakest positions. The seat directly across from the head of the table is the most confronting position; try to avoid that one, too.

7. Project Relaxed Energy

Show personal energy that combines enthusiasm and confidence— “poise.” Relaxed energy—poise—begins with relaxed breathing. When we become upset, nervous, or scared, breathing typically becomes shallower, shorter, and faster. You often know it and, more important, any other astute observer knows it too. But you can train yourself to breathe slowly and deeply, even when you are nervous, and you’ll benefit in two ways:

• You keep your nervousness from being communicated

• You actually feel less nervous.

8. Use Your Head (and Face)

The head and face deliver messages constantly:

• The head tilted to one side shows interest and close listening. (Just make sure you don’t

stay in this position too much.)

• A chin thrust out slightly conveys confidence, but don't go overboard. Do it

too boldly and you’ll probably be seen as arrogant.

• Nodding up and down shows agreement; shaking the head from side to side shows

disagreement. And don't send mixed signals. Some people say yes even as they slightly

shake their head no.

9. Use Your Hands, Too

Why worry about "what to do with" your hands? Use them to help drain off nervous energy. Gesture with your hands freely to help drive home your verbal points:

• Open hands, palms up, suggest honesty and openness.

• Rubbing the hands together shows eagerness.

• Putting the fingertips together steeple-fashion conveys confidence. (Do it too much,

though, and people may see you as arrogant.)

10. The Eyes Have It

Look people in the eye. This isn’t always easy when you have to look down at your notes, so rehearse your comments and practice looking up frequently. Each time you look up from your notes, try to make contact with a specific, different person in the room. And smile as often as possible—unless the content of your remarks makes this clearly inappropriate.

11. Communicate with Clothes

Identify the prevailing "dress code" of the person or group you’ll talk with, and dress appropriately. A casual look may be appropriate in one context, but inappropriate, even self-destructive, in another. Many sales professionals make it a practice to dress "a notch above" their customers.

12. Use Your Voice as a Tool

People—women as well as men—with deep voices are generally perceived as more persuasive than those whose voices are relatively high-pitched. If your voice is pitched in the higher registers, try to speak in a lower pitch. Practice it until you’re comfortable. A lower-pitched voice produces a more pleasing tone and helps you to slow down, which will help you to articulate each word better. Lowering your pitch will also minimize any nasal vocal tone, which many listeners find annoying.

Finally, project your voice so you’re heard. Don’t force it, but you speak so you can feel your face resonate as you talk, and enjoy the full resonance of your own voice. When this happens, you’re probably speaking loudly enough. And slow down. Good public speakers, try not to exceed 150 words per minute, For most casual conversations, the guideline is about 200. Time yourself until your pace feels right. Now, relax and enjoy the new confidence you’re feeling—and projecting.