Conflict: How to Manage It Politely

Q. Right now I have a major disagreement with a co-worker, and need his support to meet my goals. Usually I just speak right out and say what’s on my mind, and this often makes the problem worse. I envy others who don’t seem to be upset or angry when they argue a point. How can I present my side of the issue, without losing his support?

— Dan G.

A. Speaking your mind is important—not just for good mental health, but to resolve a problem in the best, fastest way possible. A lesson I continue to learn is that how I say something is often more important than what I say.

A key guideline I’ve found helpful is to build or enhance the other person’s self-esteem. This can be a major challenge when you feel anger towards your co-worker. So before you do anything else, deal with the anger (find out why you’re angry, and identify the feelings that trigger the anger.) You have to be able to discuss the situation rationally, with a clear head—especially if you’re going to build or enhance the co-worker’s self-esteem during the process.

Next, consider how you usually approach conflict. Most of us use just one or two techniques—often “fight” or “flight.” Actually, we have five tools to deal with conflict. Here’s how and when to use each one, depending on the situation:

Avoidance.

(“Let’s wait.”) This is non-confrontational. You ignore or pass over the problem, maybe even deny that there is a problem. Use this tool when the differences are too minor or too great to resolve. You postpone the confrontation.

Accommodation.

(“I’ll go along.”) You show agreeable, non-assertive behavior. You cooperate even at the expense of your personal goals. Use this tool when it’s not worth risking damage to a relationship or general disharmony.

Win/Lose.

("Do it my way.”) You’re confrontational, assertive and aggressive, showing that you intend to win at any cost. Use this tool when you don’t care if you damage the relationship, when you want to maintain your authority, or when you’re defending a key policy, or an ethical or moral standard.

Compromise.

("Let's make a deal.") Here you show it’s important that all parties achieve basic goals and maintain good relationships. Use this technique when you believe there’s more than one good way to solve the problem. You’re assertive, but flexible.

Collaborate.

("Let's work together.") You believe that the needs of both parties are legitimate and important. You show a high respect for mutual support, and both parties openly discuss mutually beneficial solutions without having to make major concessions.

Most people say they prefer collaboration. But what happens when that doesn’t immediately work? Most of us have a back-up style (like win/lose) that we immediately switch to, and that back-up strategy often describes the technique we use most often—“the real me.” If your usual style usually works well for you, stay with it. If not, try another tool, based on the nature of the conflict.

Here are some other key strategies you’ll also find helpful when you handle your next disagreement:

• Take the initiative to resolve the problem. Don’t wait for the other

person to bring up the issue for discussion.

• Identify the source of the conflict--what's the real problem? (It helps

to define the problem in a sentence or two.)

• Plan ahead--know what you want out of the discussion. The person

with a plan often gets the better deal—and controls the discussion.

• Treat the other person as your partner, not the enemy. As soon as you

project an “I’m out to get you” message, you’ve started a fight.

• Leave the other person a way out--provide options. No one likes to be

cornered.

• Avoid personal attacks—talk about positions or behaviors. (“When you don’t

get the report to me by 10 a.m. I miss my deadline, and take a lot of heat.”

Not: “If you had your act together and planned your time better, we

wouldn’t have a problem.)

• Emphasize the benefits to the other person for resolving the disagreement.

(“Actually, this could make your job easier in the long run, because…”)

• Bring in facts whenever you can, and use questions to test

your understanding of the issues and clarify the focus.

• Divide up the conflict--take the easiest, smallest problems first.

• Focus on points of agreement, not disagreement.

• Take your time to resolve the issue--don't rush it and, even when the

going gets tough, keep talking.