Conflict—Manage It and Turn Enemies into Partners

Q. Yesterday I was discussing an issue with someone at the office and he said, “You know, your never seem to take a stand on things; why is that?” I’ve been thinking about it and I guess he’s right. I don’t like to get involved in arguments, and pretty much keep my ideas to myself. Is this wrong? —Ted S.

A. It’s not a question of right or wrong—but whether it works for you. If you’re usually content to go along with the others, and they don’t have a problem with it, fine. But it sounds like your co-worker wants more from you. If you think you’re contributing well to a discussion, don’t try to change. There’s something comforting about working with people who try to get along, and not keep stirring things up. On the other hand, if you’re seen as someone who won’t take a risk or someone who’s a pushover for any viewpoint, you may be considered weak-willed, and not a contributing member of the team.

There are several self-quizzes you can take to spot how you usually manage differences. One I especially like was developed by Salenger Educational Media (Santa Monica, CA). The following 20 items are based on their instrument.

Check the statements that best describe how you usually manage your differences with other people. Then check style that you most often use. (There’s nothing right or wrong with any style unless it’s not working for you—or you use one style to handle a conflict when another one might have worked better.)

Compete/Fight It Out

( ) I try to win the other person over rather than withdraw from the conversation.

( ) I’d rather win the other person over than split our differences.

( ) I try to convince the other person that I’m right rather than explore our differences.

( ) I’d rather win the discussion than sacrifice my point of view by not discussing it.

Give In

( ) I often think it's easier to agree without discussion instead of sharing my ideas.

( ) I’d rather agree without discussion than try to convince the other person that I'm right.

( ) Sometimes it's easier to give in to the other person without discussion -- rather

than discuss it and then have to give up what I believe.

( ) I don’t like to argue; it’s often easier to agree than to take a stand.

Avoid The Conflict

( ) When I’m asked to do an unpleasant task, I often postpone it indefinitely rather

than follow directions without discussing them.

( ) I’d rather give in completely than try to change the other person's opinion.

( ) I’d rather postpone a possible disagreement than explore different views.

( ) When someone asks me to do an unpleasant job, I usually put it off, instead of

discussing my feelings and trying to find way to do it that works for both of us.

Compromise/Split the Difference

( ) I’d rather say I could be half wrong than try to convince the other person that I’m

completely right.

( ) I'd rather meet the other person halfway than give in completely

( ) I'd rather admit that I’m half wrong than withdraw from the conversation.

( ) I often admit that I’m half wrong rather than explore differences.

Talk It Out/Win-Win

( ) I’d rather explore differences than try to convince the other person that I’m right.

( ) I’d rather disagree openly and explore differences.

( ) I like exploring differences instead of giving in without a discussion.

( ) I like to find a solution that satisfies both of us, rather than letting the other

person find a solution without my help.

Your co-worker suggests that you usually give in. While that may be comfortable for you, others may see you as a pushover—someone not having the courage to stand up for what you believe. This can be a problem when a work team wants openness to solve problems with everyone’s ideas.

Here are some ways to express your disagreement that may be more comfortable for you:

Acknowledge The Problem

"I can see there's a problem."

"I know you're concerned."

"I can see that you're angry."

Express Regret:

"I'm sorry that happened."

"I'm sorry you're having a tough time."

"I'm sorry you feel that way."

Show Empathy:

"I can understand why you're upset."

"I can see why you're disappointed."

"I feel badly for you."

Express Agreement:

"That shouldn't have happened."

"We do need to do something about that."

"We can't let it go on like this."

Offer Alternatives:

"Here's a possibility we could consider."

"One of the things you could try is..."

"What do think of this approach?"

There are two more phrases that work beautifully when you want to disagree politely: “I’m not comfortable with that.” And, “That doesn’t work for me.”