Q. I’ve got some new responsibilities that involve solving customer problems and I’m getting worn out handling their anger and frustration. I’ve been shouted at, insulted, and treated as if I’m an idiot. I don’t know if it’s worth it. I don’t feel like putting up with this any more. Any suggestions? —George D.

A. Yes. It’s about setting boundaries, and not letting customers cross over them. Their anger is real, and may be justified. But nothing justifies their cursing, insulting or belittling you. You’re paid to help solve their problems, not be a punching bag.

Handling customers can be difficult under the best circumstances, but their anger makes it worse. So how do people who handle customer problems all day long do it well, and still enjoy their work? It’s possible, depending on your inner strength, mental attitude, and willingness to practice good strategies for handling their anger…and yours.

First, some basics: You are not responsible for anyone’s anger—they make their own—just like you make your own. We’re all responsible for our own feelings—no one makes them for us. Second, no one can make you angry or upset unless you let them. Third, people who are at peace with themselves have no need to judge others, and can calmly ignore the judgments of other people.

This is a healthy way to live. And it’s especially important if you’re in a customer service role. Actually, you’re in an ideal position to help people feel better—even if you just listen to them and let them know they’re important and valued.

Understanding Anger

Let’s look at how anger is created. It’s actually a secondary emotion—we feel something else first, which we’re often not aware of. For example, if a driver cuts you off on the expressway while you’re driving 60 mph, you probably get angry. What you probably feel first is helplessness, feeling taken advantage of, scared, worried, panicky, etc. But what you’re most aware of is the anger you feel—probably out of habit.

The next time you feel anger, pause for a moment, and try to spot the feeling behind it. Then realize that any feeling is natural, and there’s nothing right or wrong about a feeling. It’s what we do with the feeling, and the anger, that defines who we are. It’s especially important to pause when you’re confronted by an angry customer , and then show how you can help solve the problem—or at least understand it.

Respond Professionally

Stay friendly, helpful and professional. Don't become defensive. Your most

important response is to listen. Don't argue or interrupt.

Don't take the anger personally. No one can make you angry unless you let
them. Stay positive or hopeful that the situation will be resolved.

Don't argue--express yourself with "I" statements:

"I'm having a little difficulty understanding you. Could you please speak

a little more slowly?"

If the person becomes rude, abusive, or attacks you personally, say:

"I'm not comfortable with this conversation right now, and

will call you back. What's a good time for you?" or…

"I can see you're upset right now. Can we can talk a little later?

I'd like us to work together to solve the problem."

Acknowledge the difficult situation:

"I understand how you feel," or, "I can see that's a problem."

Show you're trying to solve the problem by getting or providing important

information. Try to get the customer to work with you.

Ask focusing questions:

“Can you tell me more?”

“When did this happen?”

“Who was involved?”

“What...When...Why...How?”

Ask permission to offer suggestions. Take notes and say what you're going to do

to help solve the problem.

Ask what they think is a workable solution. Ask how they’d like to see the problem solved. Don’t assume that your solution is the only or best way to handle the situation. Help the customer to take ownership—rather than telling them what you think they should do.

Focus on what you can do, not what you can’t.

Summarize your action steps.

Thank the customer for expressing their concerns, feelings.

It helps if you see yourself as a helper, a partner to the customer. And you have a right to be treated with respect, to set boundaries. Actually, customers who are out of control have lost all sense of boundaries, so it’s important that you maintain yours—and help them focus on solving the problem.

But don’t expect immediate success overnight. It may take several days or weeks to practice this new behavior before you’re good at it. But the reward is worth it: a job with less stress that you enjoy more…day after day.