Difficult People: How to Handle Them

Q. I work with some difficult people—bullies, whiners, and complainers, for example, and it’s tough figuring out how to get along with them. Everyone is different, so just treating them all alike doesn’t work well. What can I do differently?—John G.

A. Consider the phrase, “Everyone is strange—except you and me—and sometimes I’m not so sure about you.” Many of us feel that way sometimes. I found that a key to getting along (better) with people is to realize (over and over again) that we’re all different, and not try to treat everyone the same. Some flowers need sun; others thrive best in shade; some need plenty of water; others will drown with too much. Each person’s needs are different, too, and the challenge is to find out what those needs are—then act accordingly.

Some people can become difficult simply because others aren’t meeting their needs. One tool I use is to ask two basic questions about each person I meet: “Is this person focused on tasks or people? And does he or she talk and do things quickly, or more deliberately?” People who are task-oriented tend to want to “get it done” (usually quickly) or “get it right” (usually slowly and carefully.) Those who are people-oriented want to “get along” (usually doing things slowly) or “get appreciated” (usually preferring to do things quickly.)

Each of us has these behavior preferences inside us, but one or two are usually dominant, and —we act in ways that are natural for us. And no behavior is better or worse—or preferred—than any other, unless it’s causing a problem in a relationship. Problems can arise when different personal behaviors clash. This can happen, for example, if we like to focus on tasks, and get them done quickly, and find ourselves working with someone who’d rather do things more slowly, and focus on relationships. When the behaviors of the other person are dramatically different, we tend to see that person as “difficult.”

The best way to work with this other “difficult person” is to try to adapt our behavior (not try to change ourselves!) to him or her. By decreasing the behavior gap between us, we allow the other person to feel more comfortable with us. Good sales, and customer service people, and politically astute people usually adapt this way very well, and have a good reputation for getting along with people Try it yourself. It’s usually works better than getting angry or stressed.

Another reader told me she works with a brilliant engineer who’s also a know-it-all and irritates co-workers. I told her that working with a know-it-all may take even more flexibility on her part—and more specific strategies to build a connection. I suggested:

Make sure you’re prepared, and know what you’re talking about. One thing that

tames the “know-it-all” is meeting someone who also has excellent facts, but doesn’t

present them in a pushy way.

Summarize respectfully what you heard the “know-it-all” say. (It’s seen as confirmation that you accept his or her “authority.”)

Let them see themselves as your “coach” or mentor. (You build a connection by adapting to their behavior.)

Present your ideas gently and indirectly: (“That’s an excellent point you’re making. I wonder, what would you think about (your solution)? Do you think there’s a way to make it work?”

Consider their wishes…doubts…insecurities. They’re usually easy to spot (the more people brag about something, the more they’re usually insecure about it.)l