Disagreement: Handle It for Win/Win

Q. A co-worker and I are having a disagreement about product delivery procedure,

and we both think we're right. We need to work together, but I don't think I can give on this point. How do I get what I want without making the situation worse? —James V.

A. You have several issues in conflict with each other: "…we both think we're right…We need to work together…I don't think I can give on this point." The key to resolving any conflict is your last statement: "How do I get what I want without making the situation worse?" The ideal way to resolve any disagreement is for both parties to feel they got what they wanted: both have to feel like they've won. Otherwise, there's a winner and a loser—and losers usually try to get even. So the answer to your question on how to manage this conflict is to create a solution where each person feels like a winner. That happens when you collaborate to come up with a solution you both can live with.

The first step is to see the other person as your partner, not the enemy. Otherwise, you’re likely to interpret the actions as negative or aggressive. It’s easy to become defensive or negative; your bad feelings grow, and the battle is on. And whatever you feel toward the other person—hostility or flexibility—you communicate it. It’s harder to be hostile and aggressive towards someone you consider a friend or partner.

What's the Issue?

Next, identify the real source of the problem. Is it loss of face? Fear that you'll be blamed for a costly mistake? Control (You like things done your way)? Need for accuracy and quality? It helps if you actually write down the problem as you see it, so you can look at the words and decide if what you wrote accurately describes your concerns.

Now, plan ahead: know what you want. If the outcome you want is not clear, and you can't clearly express it, you'll be necessarily vague discussing what you want. This is another good opportunity to write down what you want. It helps clarify the issues, and the results you expect. Then take the initiative to resolve the conflict. When each person waits for the other person to bring up the issue, it invites anger, frustration, and resentment to expand the disagreement way out of proportion. While we’re waiting for the other person to bring up the problem, we can easily blow it out of proportion, and assume the other person is making devious, manipulative plans to win the argument. So, be the first to speak out—get it on the table.

Begin with a positive statement, then define the problem as you see it, indicating

you want to resolve it: "Bill, we both know our jobs and usually work pretty well together. Right now, we disagree on the best way to deliver a product. What would you think about setting some time aside—maybe over coffee—to talk about out a solution we can both live with?"

Use Conflict-Handling Tactics:

Divide the disagreement into smaller issues, then begin with the smallest and easiest to resolve. (There’s only one way to eat an elephant: one bite at a time.)

Avoid personal attacks—keep the conversational friendly and respectful. (Remember, you’re talking with your partner.)

Take your time to resolve the issue—if you rush it, the other person may become defensive.

Get agreement on the facts—and separate the facts from opinions.

Test your understanding often with questions that clarify the issues.

Focus on the points you agree on, not the disagreements.

Emphasize the benefits to the other person for resolving the conflict.

Leave the other person a way out; provide options to help save "face."

Don't immediately counter every point. Listen for the value in the other person's ideas. Then, when appropriate, present your viewpoint.