Downsized? Re-Build Yourself

Q. I’ve just been “downsized”—fired— after 15 years with my company. I’m still torn up about it. I know I have to start looking right away, but it’s tough when I’m dealing with so much anger and frustration. Is there an “ideal” way to handle this event in my life? —Bart M.

A. Absolutely. First, I’d recommend that you NOT start looking right away. You’re going through the same agony you would if your spouse of 15 years—whom you loved deeply—told you he or she wanted a divorce. Surprisingly, one of the best sources I’ve found for rebuilding your work life is a book on surviving after a divorce: Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends by Bruce Fisher and Robert Alberti

The authors take you step-by-step through 19 building blocks that you must deal with to rebuild. I recommend you take some time—maybe a week or two—and heal the hurt you feel by going through them. When you finish, you’ll have a better perspective of what you want to do for the next step in your working life. Here’s a summary of the major building blocks:

Denial.

“I can’t believe this is happening to me.” Some of us experience so much denial that we’re reluctant to attempt recovery. We can’t identify what we’re feeling and have difficulty in adjusting to any sort of change. You must learn that “What you can feel, you can heal.” Make a list of the feelings underneath your denial, such as rejection, bitterness, loneliness, anger, frustration, helplessness. Take time to reflect on each feeling and accept it as normal.

Fear.

Feel like hiding? Running away? List your fears and ask, “Which are real and which are imaginary?” Then work to decide how you can face each fear. Each one you overcome gives you strength and courage to continue your journey—to rebuild your work life.

Adaptation.

Have you learned to adapt in healthy ways, starting in your growing-up years? Some people don’t learn how, and find ways to adapt in unhealthy ways: becoming a perfectionist; being over-responsible for others; being a people-pleaser; drinking. Maybe it’s time you looked at your adaptive patterns, and developed some new ones.

Loneliness.

When your job ends, and you no longer have a place to go in the morning, the feeling of loneliness can be terrible. You may be overwhelmed with the thought, “I’ll be lonely like this forever.” Instead of running from your lonely feelings, or drowning them in a bar scene, consider sitting home quietly and writing a journal to see what you can learn about yourself. You’ll begin to change feeling lonely into enjoying aloneness.

Friendship.

You may lose many of your work friends, because you don’t have the daily connections any more. It’s worth it to keep some of your old work friends, but find new ones who will support and listen to you. Look for ways to re-connect with people in your field. Check local professional organizations; courses and seminars that will help you to network; Internet chat rooms with people in your field.

Guilt/Rejection.

You may think you’re partly responsible: “If only I’d worked harder; spent more time politicking; upgraded my skills.” Instead, focus on your feelings of rejection. Just as you’d feel in the divorce scenario above, you’re the “dumpee,” and it hurts. It’s healthy to admit your feelings of rejection. You HAVE been rejected, so what you’re feeling is normal and natural.

Anger.

You may feel huge rage at what you’d like to do to your boss or your company. Protecting itself from workplace rage is one of the reasons companies take the terrible route of downsizing people at the end of the day, escorting them out with an armed guard, and sending their personal belongings to them later. I think this is a deeply dysfunctional way to terminate someone, and it shows lack of sensitivity—and wisdom—on the part of the company. But it’s common, especially with larger companies. Actually, when handled properly, your anger can help you gain the emotional distance you need from your company to move on.

Letting Go.

To invest any feelings, energy, or effort in a dead relationship is like making an investment with no chance of return. Instead, begin investing in productive personal and career growth. It’ll help you work your way through this difficult time.

Self-Worth.

Many people’s self-esteem and self-worth are locked into their job: how important it is; what position they have; how much money they make. So, when they lose their job, they also tend to lose their self-esteem. Bad idea. Start re-framing your self-esteem with new values, skills, talents, interests, commitment to friends and family, etc. Start re-inventing and re-defining yourself apart from your former company. You may really like the new person you discover in yourself!