Q. One of my co-workers has asked me for performance feedback. Her boss just checks off boxes on her appraisal form, and is evasive when asked for further details. She wants to be promoted, and she thinks I can point her in the right direction. How can I help her without causing resentment? —Florence B.

A. Giving good feedback is a valuable skill that you can learn—and practice. Consider the needs of the person receiving the feedback as well as your own. Ask yourself what he or she will get out of the information. Are you “dumping” your feelings, or really trying to help her grow—personally and professionally? For example:

Good feedback:

“Sue, I know how important it is to you to get the newsletter just right and I see you’re under a lot of pressure right now. I’ll help you edit it this time, but I’d like you to take that editing class so you can handle it solo in the future.”

Dumping:

“Sue, you always need help with the newsletter. It’s not my responsibility. Don’t you think it’s about time you learned how to edit?”

Another good question to ask yourself: “If someone gave me feedback on my behavior, what would I want to hear?” You’d want honesty, delivered in a caring, supportive way, and you’d probably want to hear comments like, “You've been making good progress, and you have a good plan. What do you think might be some reasons for your disappointments and setback?”

The tone and attitude of helpful feedback is non-judgmental. It's like a friend or partner giving you valuable information that you'll really appreciate. And, because of their helpful feedback, you know you'll be a better person, work more effectively, and even feel better about your skill development.

Focus On What They Can Change

Relate your feedback to specific behaviors: “Bob, I've noticed that you come to work about 8:15 in the morning. Most of us get started at least 45 minutes earlier.” And make sure the behavior is something the receiver can do something about: “It's important you keep the team informed about the status of the project.” Not: “You're fairly introverted, so you probably don't like to talk to other people.” Labels and judgments are destructive, not helpful. And stay positive: “Sally, I’d like to review the contents of your presentation with you before your speech next week so you can do an especially job in front of the group.”

Pick the right time. Giving feedback five minutes before lunch or just when the receiver is walking out the door at the end of the day puts a squeeze on time. The person may want to ask for more information. Or he or she may feel defensive, and need more explanation, encouragement, or positive reinforcement.

What's The Impact?

Calmly and thoroughly describe the impact the person's behavior has on the company, and his or her career, relationships: “Betty, when you don't get your report out on time, others can't get the information when they need it. This increases the time it takes to make good decisions about the resources we need to keep the project on track.”

Avoid labels and judgments by describing rather than evaluating behavior:

Good:

“Steve, I’ve given you several chances to attend training programs in the

past year and you haven’t enrolled yet. Is there a problem?”

Bad:

“Steve, you don’t seem to bother about improving your skills or

care about your career here.”

Use "I" statements, rather than "you" statements to reduce defensiveness: “When I hear your radio in my work area, I lose my concentration, and it takes me longer to get my work done.” That’s a lot better than: “You shouldn't play your radio where it can bother other people's work.”

Give the feedback in calm, unemotional language, tone of voice, and body posture: “Joe, I know your progress will be better now that you know how to fine-tune the operation. And I think other people will like the new way you're working, too.” Not: “I'm glad you asked, because I'm not the only one who's been stressed and frustrated by the way you work.”

Test Understanding

Because the issues can be sensitive, it's important that the receiver hear your message accurately. Even under the best conditions, we usually misinterpret about 10 percent of what we hear. You can minimize this by inviting the person to summarize what you just said: “Barb, would you mind letting me know what you just heard me say. That way, we'll both be on the same page and we can take the next step.”

To sum up, treat the person you're giving feedback to the way you'd like to be treated. You'll both appreciate the process—and each other— a lot more.