Q. I have to work with someone who often erupts into emotional outbursts when he has to deal with a problem. Most of us try to avoid him as much as possible, but he has enough technical expertise that he’s not easily replaced. When we complain, his manager says she’ll speak to him, but it doesn’t seem to do much good. So she keeps telling us to try to “get along with him,” sometimes making excuses that he has a lot of personal problems. I’m fed up with it. Are there some ways I can handle this guy besides stuffing my own feelings? —Florence V.

A. You bet there are, and it’s important that you don’t continue to “stuff your feelings,” because that can lead to serious health problems. One of the reasons a “hothead” continues this behavior is that most people don’t confront him enough, and this reinforces his behavior. It’s an even more difficult situation when the hothead is the boss. I know what you’re going through, because I used to have a boss who was explosive. One time he stormed into my office, shouted at me, and threw a memo across my desk, almost into my face. I didn’t have the self-confidence or the skills then that I have now, so I just took it. I still remember that day, and even today wished I had been able to stand up to him. I’ve learned some strategies I’ve learned; and they work.

First let’s look at some typical hothead behaviors:

• They erupt into emotional explosions--usually without warning.

• They're like children who throw tantrums: yelling, stomping around, throwing

things, blaming everyone around them.

• They create an atmosphere of fear, anxiety, and negative feelings.

• They unleash anger they've built up over a long period of time—sometimes

days or months.

Behavior specialists tell us these people behave this way because they’ve never learned to control emotions in a mature way. They’re frustrated and angry because they didn't get something, or fear they'll lose something they already have. Typically, they've suppressed their feelings for so long that, when unleashed, they're out of control.

Control Your Own Feelings

It’s important that you manage your own emotions when you deal with a hothead. It’s natural to want to defend ourselves, maybe by lashing out at the offender. But the only way I’ve found that works is to wait while these characters explode, and let them get everything out of their system, (as long as it's safe and they're not damaging equipment or people).

Stay calm and don’t move. Don't criticize them, order them around, or even touch them while they're in a fury. Let them get it all out. You’re watching an emotional dam burst because the hothead has let pressure build up to a dangerous level, and now it’s

spilling over. It’s dangerous to get in it’s way, just like you’d get out of the way of hot lava spewing out of a volcano.

When their anger has calmed down a little, you might say something like,

"I can see you’re upset; this is a tough problem.” Then, when they're calm, ask for the facts; try to find out what triggered the explosion: "It sounds like there's a lot to this situation. Can I ask you some questions?" Asking permission like this helps them to feel they’re in control when, in fact, you’re the on in control. Then find out what happened. Ask how; when… where…why…who’s involved? Keep asking questions until you can find the real issue. Then try to find ways to discuss it that won’t trigger his response again.

For the long haul, try to discuss the negative behavior at a time when the hothead is relatively calm, and encourage him to talk to you before a problem becomes explosive. Don't criticize, but let him know your needs and why you'd like him to act differently. Respectfully ask for a change in their behavior. And hold your ground.

You might say something like: “Lois, I know we have some major frustrations around here and I’d like to suggest a way we can handle them. How about discussing things with me when they first become a problem, rather than hold your feelings inside?. When you blow up, it’s hard for me to look at the issues, especially if you think I’m part of the problem. If you and I can talk things out earlier, I think we’ll both feel better about it, and we’ll be able to solve the problems better, too.”

If they can’t seem to wind down, and just continue to explode, you might say, “This doesn’t look like the right time to discuss this. Let’s get some coffee and see if we can’t approach it a little differently in, say, half an hour? How does that sound to you?” You might also consider ways to prevent or minimize the explosions, by avoiding words or phrases that trigger the anger, such as “budget…new management…the engineers…quality control people.”

Above all, realize that this person, boss or not, is out of control. And the only way you can handle the situation is to stay in control yourself. Don’t raise your voice, and don’t try to suppress the anger while it’s being released. The hothead is like a bottle of soda pop just shaken. You have to wait until the pressure decreases until you can pour the drink. If you try to hold your thumb over the top of the bottle, the pressure won’t go away by itself; you have to let it out slowly. The hothead is a person full of emotional pressure that needs to be irritated just one more time before he explodes. Only therapy can change him, and that probably won’t happen. But you still work with him by holding your boundaries.