Know-It-All—How to Deal With

Q. I work with someone who thinks he knows everything. I can’t stand to be around him, but what he does know is critical to my own success. I’ve gotten mad at him a couple of times, but that only makes it worse. How I can work with him and still keep my sanity? —Elaine H.

A. “Know-It-Alls” are everywhere: in education, law, medicine, law enforcement, corporate America. But don’t try to change them because you can’t really change someone’s personality. You can only modify your own actions to get a different response. That way, you take more responsibility for handling each encounter well, and you’ll feel better about it afterwards.

Know-It-Alls want to make you feel inferior—or at least feel less important, less knowing than they are. But consider this: Would someone who is really secure emotionally want to put down someone else? Not likely. When we accept ourselves, with our blessings as well as our blemishes, we’re at peace not only with ourselves, but with others around us. We’re more patient and understanding of their failings and can more readily adjust to them.

So you can assume that any “Know-It-All” is really insecure— someone who needs to put other people down so he or she can feel better about themselves. That’s

hard to believe when you have to work with a boisterous or oppressive vice-president, lawyer, a surgeon, professor. But if you can accept this insight, then it should be clear that you’re not the problem; the “Know-It-All” is. And it should give you more confidence in yourself—a stronger feeling of your own self-worth. Armed with this calmer inner strength, you’ll be better equipped to deal with any problem person.

The best source I’ve ever found for dealing with difficult people is Dealing With People You Can’t Stand (McGraw-Hill) by Drs. Brinkman and Kirschner. They suggest: Don’t be resentful, or try to become a “Know-It-All” yourself. Instead, use your new-found confidence to be flexible, patient, even clever about how you present your ideas. And keep an open mind to what the person does know.

Open His Mind

Your goal with “Know-It-Alls” is to open their minds to new information and ideas. Try this during your next encounter:

Be prepared.

Know what you’re talking about. The “Know-It-All” looks for

mistakes in your thinking. Carefully analyze what you’ll say before you respond. If necessary, buy a little time by saying, “You bring up a good point; I’d like to think it over a little more before we discuss it. How about meeting in a hour?”

Backtrack respectfully.

This means you repeat some of the same words you hear the “Know-It-All” use. This sends a clear signal that you’re listening, and that you believe the “Know-It-All” has valuable information. It’s important to look and sound like you believe that what “Know-It-Alls” are saying is important and correct. Otherwise, they’ll get defensive, and may start repeating themselves again.

Blend with their doubts and desires.

Acknowledge what they say; paraphrase their doubts or dismissals as an introduction to your own idea. Since you never attack them, they really have nothing to feel defensive about: “I understand your point that this idea could hurt our sales.”

Present your ideas indirectly.

Use words like, “What do you suppose if…”

“Maybe…” “ Perhaps…” “ I was wondering…” This gives the “Know-It-All” some

ownership—the feeling of being in control—which is what he wants.

Turn them into mentors. By openly acknowledging this person as your mentor in some area of your life or job, you become less of a threat: “Your insight into this problem was especially helpful. I see it in a differently light now.” This way, the “Know-It-All” focuses more on instructing you than obstructing you. As a result, more of your ideas will get heard with a lot less effort on your part. You’ll be seen as someone as safe to listen to, which should make the situation less tense. But be patient with this new strategy. It may take awhile before you build the person’s trust.