Q. Many of my co-workers come across as being bored, distant, or even alienated. I often react by mirroring their behavior, but I don’t like being that way. Is there a way to get people to react more positively to me throughout the day? —Hank V.

A. Yes, and the key words are “react more positively to me…” You’re not likely to change how they feel about themselves; if they’re bored or uncaring, that’s how they’ve defined themselves. But you can have a surprising impact on how they treat you. The principle is simple: You usually get back what you give out. So if you don’t like the way you’re reacting to people throughout the day, you can decide to change your behaviors. To put it another way, if you want more positive reactions from other people, you have to make your original action positive: give a big smile; say something like (and mean it) “Hi—how are you doing?”

Watch the Signals

It’s natural to think, “Wait a minute—why do I have to set the tone?” We have to take the initiative because most people already have defined their life patterns, and aren’t likely to change them. So if you want a specific 30-second personal interaction to be upbeat, you have to create the environment so you get the reaction you want. Watch people’s faces. Those who are really happy, joyful, and contented usually show it. (So do those who feel negative about themselves and others: their faces give them away.)

Words That Ruin

Build a positive foundation for your behavior, and you’ll influence how people react to you. In your personal interactions, try to express your wishes using positive words—even when you have to give negative messages. For example, here are some negative words and phrases to avoid. They just naturally seem to irritate people, and are almost guaranteed to damage relationships:

fault demand inconsiderate

but... disaster stupid

careless failed wrong

Example: "The project was a failure." “This is a careless report.”

Words That Build

Instead, choose positive words and phrases that build people up—build their self-esteem. Use positive-sounding words especially when you have to give instructions or express your dislike for someone’s behavior:

appreciate dependable recognize

capable efficient thorough

careful integrity valuable

Example: "This report was helpful; it would be even better if you added an index."

Here’s an even clearer example of the effect that words can have on a relationship:

Before:

“Henry, you’ve been 15 minutes late for the last three mornings.”

Better:

“Henry, the fine work you do is really important to us. I notice you’ve

been coming in at about 8:15 the last three mornings. That’s not like you. Is there anything bothering you, or something I can help with?” (If Henry says No, then say, “We need you here at least by 8 a.m. to answer customer questions. Can we count on you?”

Here’s a great way to test this principle, and get even more dramatic results. Tomorrow,with the first ten people you meet, deliberately smile and greet them with a pleasant message. Try it in fast-food outlets and supermarkets—places where the clerks are notorious for being either impersonal or unfriendly. (I’ve tried this several times, and it works. I felt great afterwards, too. One day I tried it and was surprised when the servers from two fast-food restaurants asked me if I’d like a refill on the coffee!)

Retail clerks often hear more complaints and are subject to more unfriendly—sometimes even arrogant—behavior than most people. When customers are unhappy, angry, or frustrated in their work lives, they bring it to the grocery or department store. It’s no wonder retail clerks lose their freshness and eagerness at dealing with customers. Your positive greeting can be a welcome bright spot to them, and they’ll return the favor. Back to the principle: We get back what we give out. So if you want a positive interaction with someone for the next few seconds, set the tone you want. Go ahead. Have fun and enjoy the next person you greet.

Use the same principle with your co-workers. Take the initiative to greet them and set a positive tone:

• “Hey, Jack—how ya doin’ today?”

• “Good morning!” Isn’t it great we’ve got some sunshine today?”

• “Hi Betty! How was your weekend?”

• “Hey Bob—what’s your boy doing in Cub Scouts these days? You were

pretty proud the way you and he built the car for the Pinewood Derby!”

• “Let’s start this meeting off on an upbeat note. How about each of us

mentioning one success we’ve had on any of the projects we’re

working on?”