Listening, Good—It’s Hard Work But Worth It

Q. I try to listen carefully to co-workers but it often seems like a waste of time. Many people ramble, and don’t get to the point. It’s even harder when they have wrong information or approach a problem with a solution that I know from experience won’t work well. How can I get them to focus better? —James R.

A. Sorry, but you probably won’t get people to change how they speak—at least without making a nuisance of yourself—and a lot of enemies. Good listening is hard work, and maybe that’s why so many of us don’t do it well. We naturally focus on our own ideas and ways of doing things, especially when we have a lot of experience on the topic. But the best way I found to overcome these barriers is to focus on the idea that everyone has something valuable to say. True, sometimes I have to work extra hard to get that nugget of wisdom I’m looking for. What’s frustrating sometimes is that we have to get critical information from people who may not be as disciplined in their thinking as we are—and often present their ideas in haphazard ways. Worse, we may have to get that information from people we can’t stand. That’s really a challenge.

But think about this: wouldn’t you be really bored if everyone spoke precisely—like this: “There are four reasons why we should adopt option A—and the first reason is based on three criteria: overwhelming research in the field, statistical evidence, and the support of 90 percent of the target audience.” Actually, I like the different speech patterns that people reveal. But it often means I have to sort through extra “stuff” to get the key message I need.

Good listening is hard work. That’s why so few people listen well. But here are proven listening techniques that most people find work best—and they work well for me. Try using just one for an entire day. The next day, try a different one:

Get rid of distractions like phones, beepers, visitors and any work on your desk.

Stop talking—and not just verbally. Shut down any private talk going on inside your head while the other person is speaking. (Maybe that’s why we have two ears and one tongue: so we can remember to listen twice as much as we speak.)

Don’t interrupt. Focus on getting the whole message—the content as well as the feeling behind the message. If the person starts to repeat the message, wait for a pause, then gently interrupt to summarize what you heard—and ask if the summary is accurate.

Empathize with the speaker. Imagine yourself in his or her shoes—to better see their ideas from their viewpoint. Ask yourself, “If I were him, why would I say what he’s saying? What’s her reasoning?”

Ask clarifying questions: “When you say, ‘Let’s ship the product on Tuesday,” does that mean you don’t think we’ll be ready to ship on Monday?”

Be patient with the speaker’s style and personality. It’s probably different from yours, so the presentation will be different.

Look directly at the speaker, and smile or respond with the appropriate body language. Show that you’re listening to every key idea you hear.

Control your emotions. When you feel irritated with something being

said, realize that your emotions may be blocking the real message. Force yourself to calm down, and try to listen more objectively

Focus only on the main points. (You’ll forget 80 percent of what you hear anyway—so remember only the key ideas: “So you think the problem is caused by…?”

Don’t argue mentally—it’s really “head talk.” Note mentally, or on paper, what

you disagree with, and hold your response until you’ve heard the entire message.

Listen to how things are said (that’s a message, too), and for what isn’t said. If necessary, stop the conversation politely to clarify the message.

Don’t antagonize the speaker by jiggling coins, making a face when you hear something you don’t like, or using derogatory remarks (“That’s ridiculous!”)

Don’t jump to conclusions. Wait until you have the full message; summarize it,

confirm its accuracy, then explain your conclusion. Remember the saying, “I’d rather keep quiet and be thought a fool, than to speak up and remove all doubt.”

Now here’s what may be the hardest technique of all: don’t give advice unless you’re asked for it. We often assume people want our advice, when actually many times they just want us to listen. Try this in your next conversation. Don’t give any advice until the person says, “ What do you think?” or “What would you recommend?” But don’t hold your breath waiting to be asked.