“No”—How to Say It Without Causing Resentment

Q. I work in a team-based environment, and we work closely with each other on several projects. Because there’s often room for disagreement, and we have changing priorities, we often have to say “No” to each other, and sometimes that causes hard feelings. How can we “hold our ground” when we have to, but not jeopardize the ongoing working relationships? —Bobby T.

A. In a nutshell, you do it by treating your co-workers as partners, not the enemy. Handling disagreements and conflict is a normal part of living—both on and off the job.

When there’s no conflict, there’s no growth—just compliance and “group-think.” Both are unhealthy, unproductive behaviors.

Let’s begin with how we handle our own emotions when we experience conflict—when we have to say “No.” No one can really make us angry if we won’t let them. We make ourselves angry. But events and people do stimulate negative feelings; it’s how we react them that makes the difference between an angry confrontation or a simple difference of opinion. Negative emotions like hostility, fear and anger break down relationships. Positive feelings like friendship, compassion and empathy build relationships. So even in the squeeze of having to say no to a co-worker, keeping the focus on friendship, compassion and empathy will make saying “No” just another natural, everyday interaction.

Try These Four Steps

I’ve found this four-step process for saying “No” works nearly every time:

Respond with a positive or neutral statement.

For example, if someone asks you to prepare a report for a project he’s working on, and doing so will cause you to miss a key deadline, you might say, “I’d like to help you,” Or, “I’m glad you asked me, I enjoy working with you.” Or, “That’s a good idea.” Or, “Yes, you do need that report.” (Positive responses.)

If you don’t think it’s a good idea, you could respond with a neutral statement—one that doesn’t reveal your negative feelings: “I can see that’s important to you.” Or, “Yes, those reports really can be helpful.” Other possible responses: "I can see that." "I can see why you’re squeezed right now." "I know you're concerned." "That shouldn't have happened." "We do need to do something about that." “I can certainly understand why you need that report.”

2. Say what prevents you from saying "Yes."

Examples: "I'm not able to do that now, because I have a priority for _____. Let me talk to him and get back to you." Or, “I have a tight deadline for a project and have been told not to take on anything until it’s finished.”

3. Suggest options/alternatives.

Here you show your role as a partner who really wants to cooperate: "Are there other alternatives we can consider?" "I'll try to find out if we can do it within our current schedule and will call you back." "Can we schedule this for a later time? How about 1 p.m.?" "What a great idea! Can you put together an outline of your ideas -- or a first draft -- then I can take a look at it?" “I think Jack has a little more than I do right now. Why not ask him?” "Here's a possibility we might consider." "One of the things we could try is..." "Why don't you/we..." "Here's how we might handle it." "What would you think of this approach?"

4. Invite ideas or suggestions to solve the problem.

This is a good opportunity for the two of you to brainstorm ways to get the other person’s needs met, without sacrificing your own: “Can you think of any other way to get the report you need?” Or, “What other way do you think would work?” Or, “I’m stumped; let’s see if there’s some other way you can get the information you need.”

Sometimes, after you’ve gone through all four steps, the other person says, “Sorry, you’re the only one who can do this, and I need the report.” If you really can’t negotiate, then politely hold your ground and keep repeating steps 1 through 4—like a broken record—but still always being polite and helpful.

Here are a few more guidelines to help you to hold your ground, without jeopardizing the relationship:

• Take the initiative to resolve the problem so you don’t seem defensive.

• Leave the other person a way out—keep providing options.

• Avoid any negative words that would appear critical of the other person: your fault… but…careless…you failed to…that’s wrong.

• Keep the conversation respectful, and use plenty of positive words: appreciate dependable…capable…efficient…thorough…conscientious…valuable.

• Resist making counter-proposals too quickly--look for the value in the other person's ideas.

• Test your understanding often with questions to clarify and focus the issues.

• Take your time to resolve the issue--don't rush it.