"No" People�How to Soften Them Up

I work with someone who says “No” more than “Yes.” He’s good at what he does, but if he doesn’t like a project, he won’t cooperate, and nothing we say seems to get him to change. How can we get through to him? — Tim H.

Stubborn, negative people are often long-time employees who know the "ins" and "outs" of the job and the company. Newer employees are usually more flexible and open to new ideas. The person you’re having difficulty with has

“dug in” and chosen to take what he’s found the safe and secure way to do the job. So, when someone asks for something that’s outside his normal pattern of doing thing, he’ll often bring up the negative side: "We can't handle the project that way. We've tried it before. It doesn't work."

Stubborn people like your co-worker don’t adapt to change very well. They want things to remain the same. Their motto is "Don't rock the boat," or, "If it's not broken, why fix it?" They get away with this behavior because they often have some power or authority, and have been successful enough to “prove” their side of any issue.

You can’t confront them head-on, especially if they’re in a powerful position.

They’ve probably had ideas, suggestions, or enthusiasm rejected early in their career, and achieved recognition through negative behavior rather than positive. I found what works best is to appear to work with them, and to recognize their expertise. Try to understand that they’re actually insecure with anything new; they stay with what they know works. Don't try to prove them wrong—they’ll just dig in more.

Ask them in a non-threatening way to give you more information—specifics: "George, you have a lot of experience in this area, and I could really use your help. Exactly how did they try to merge those departments before? How many people were involved in the merger? Were those involved pleased with the plan?" Hear him out and, when you hear what you think are the key points,

ask for his help: "George, how would you plan the merger if you were in charge? Will you help me put it together so we can present it at the staff meeting on Friday?" If he resists again, suggesting that the project won’t work, emphasize again his experience in helping prevent future mistakes, and ask him again for his help.

What If He’s the Boss?

If the stubborn “no” person is the boss, he may feel especially threatened if you project enthusiasm, energy, openness to change etc. Proceed cautiously, and further emphasize his position in the company, the value of his experience, and your need for his advice and help to make the project a success.

He’s Your Colleague?

Treat him as your partner, not the enemy. Identify the upcoming changes and ask what you can do to make his job easier in the process, and ask if he has any ideas how you can handle the change. Especially if you’ve had a history of uncomfortable experiences working with him, be prepared to work with him and help him if he agrees to help you.

What If He Reports to You?

This can be a special challenge, because you may want to just go do a disciplinary mode because of his resistance. Try this: Let him or her know of upcoming changes well ahead of time. Meet often to discuss any problems that could occur. When he or she raises barriers, put in back on him (because of his experience, value to the project, contacts in the company, etc.) and ask him to find possible solutions.

Stay flexible, and be willing to use his ideas and suggestions to implement changes. Closely follow-up on any progress, and immediately praise him when things are progressing well. Let them know if they aren't--ask what can be done to correct it, and don’t get trapped into his, “See, I told you so…” script. Re-focus on the need to move forward, based on his good experience.

When the project is finished, tell him how much you appreciated his help, and the impact of the changes—thanks especially to him.