Put-Downs? Put THEM Down

Q. I work with someone who often kills initiative in others with his put-downs,

and I can never think of a response at that moment—always when it’s too late. I think someone needs to stand up to him. Can you suggest some responses? —Sue B.

A. You bet. Actually, it’s never too late to re-balance the scale: you can always go back on your own terms—at a time you choose—and respond. Sometimes this is even better, because it gives you time to prepare your response. Your coming back with a response will probably surprise him, and that in itself may make him think twice about putting you down. That’s because people who put others down are really bullies, and bullies pick only on people they think are weaker than they are. You may also be surprised to learn that people who belittle others often have a pattern, and tend to use the same style repeatedly. Once you spot the pattern, you can better prepare your response.

First, a word of caution. While some people respect you only when you give it right back to them, you risk putting yourself in the same negative spotlight. What begins as response to a harmless barb could turn an uneasy relationship into a full-scale battle. You’ll want to avoid that. (One way that some organizations deal with two people who are battling each other is to fire both of them.)

Assert Yourself—Carefully

Assuming that your clever response to a put-down will help you hold your ground and assert yourself better, here are some ways to respond to disparaging remarks—without getting yourself into worse trouble.

Put-Down:

“That’s pretty good, coming from you—I mean you’re so new to the office.”

Response:

“Why thank you; I’ve always enjoyed being able to pick up things faster than most people.”

Put-Down:

“I read your little report. Not bad. I’ll show you how we can fix it.”

Response:

(Cheerfully) “Well thanks for your little comment. Actually, I like the current format and style. After I’ve

submitted it, I’d be glad to hear your ideas for other options.”

Put-Down:

“Did you do the best you should? Are you sure?”

Response:

“ Actually, I make it a practice to do my best with everything I do—as

I’m sure you’ve noticed—so it’s not something I have to think

twice about. Is there something else you think should be included in the project that you’d like to tell me about now? I can easily add your ideas.”

Put-Down:

“So you had a job to do and you failed.”

Response:

“Actually, I succeeded. I completed the job within the guidelines you set, took less time than you expected, and met all the requirements you wanted. Let me review the directions you gave me, and show you what I did.”

See how you can quietly and professionally assert your sense of self-worth and professionalism, even in the face of insensitivity and rudeness on the part of your boss or an associate? If you show anger or resentment, you lower yourself to the level of the person who’s desperately trying to hide his or her insecurity by putting you people down. Here are a few more examples:

Put-Down:

“That’s not your problem; I’ll handle it.” (In reaction to your offer to

help so you can learn more about the department’s procedures for

greater customer responsiveness.)

Response:

“Yes, of course—that’s your responsibility, and you handle it really well. It’s just that when you’re

away from the desk and I answer the phone, I don’t know how to help the caller. It makes me, and us,

look foolish. It’s also important for us to know each other’s jobs, for better office flexibility and

customer responsiveness. How can we make this happen?”

Put-Down: “Excuse me—that’s not true. I’ll take care of it and will be glad to make an appointment for you.” (In reaction to your telling a sales rep—as your boss instructed: “Actually, she’d rather you left your card and product information. She’ll get back to you if she’s interested.”)

Response

(after the rep has left): “Betty—we need to talk about what just happened. I was following our boss’s instructions, as you’re aware. Your contradicting me in front of the sales rep embarrassed me and made us all look foolish. I need you to back me up publicly anytime you disagree with the way I deal with someone, and talk to me about your concerns when the person has left the office. Can I count on you to do this?”

This may lead to an even more direct confrontation with the person, but the conflict MUST be settled—either by the two of you or by the boss. Good luck as you put down the put-downs!