Touching Others: Still a Touchy Subject

Q. I’m not sure that your recent article on workplace harassment applied to all the gestures that are commonly used in many companies, especially in certain parts of the country. I worked in the deep South for many years, where both men and women not only call you "honey," "dear," and "sweetie," but they give you a hug at the drop of a hat, pat or punch you on the shoulder or forearm, slap you on the back, stick an admonishing finger right in your face, etc. Few if any of these (as I perceived them) people meant any sexual or other harassment. I think it was truly a cultural phenomenon.

I decided to learn to live with the spoken endearments, although sometimes I would say, “Look, I'm not your sweetie.” Touching was another matter. I would say something like, “I realize you're just being friendly, but it makes me a little uncomfortable when you ____.” Or, “It’s no big deal, but we Scandinavians tend to be a little more reserved and limit that kind of touching to close friends and relatives.” It took awhile, but nearly

everyone eventually backed off.

Their atmosphere loosened me up a little, too. When I returned to work after a death in the family, the number of people who came up to hug me didn't bother me at all. In fact, I appreciated their show of concern. I'm 55 and have had my share of "touchie-feelies" and genuinely harassing comments and behavior. Your suggestions are great for countering that kind of behavior, but may not be needed for the type of situation I've described. I don't think most people (who touch you) are trying to make you uncomfortable. For those who are, or who don't care --go after them. Otherwise, try to get along. It gets easier over time.I still don't like being called "sweetie," except by my sweetie, but that, and occasional incidental touching, now fits into the "don't sweat the small stuff" category. — Marian R.

A. It sounds like you’ve resolved the issue with some comfortable balance. Writing in

Psychology: The Search for Understanding (West Publishing) David A. Gershaw Ph.D.

notes that touching is not just sexual or intimate. He says we use touch to communicate with both acquaintances and strangers. Our emotional responses to touching depend on how, when and where we’re touched. (In our American culture, women average 12 touches a day, while men average only 8. Men tend to limit themselves to ritual touching like shaking hands or slapping others on the shoulder or upper back.)

Certain parts of our body — hands, arms and shoulders — may be touched by acquaintances and even strangers (under the right circumstances) without causing a negative response. The effects of touching — even nonsexual touching — are extremely powerful. Students touched briefly in their interactions with librarians rated both the library and the librarians more positively. When psychiatric patients are touched by their nurses, their verbal interactions increase. In a 1985 study, waitresses briefly touched diners on the palm, on the shoulder, or not at all. The diners who were touched left significantly larger tips than those who were not touched. Generally, brief, gentle touches to the hands, arms or shoulders usually lead to positive reactions from those who are touched.

Although touching can be an extremely positive experience, it can also lead to problems. In the workplace, touches may also be seen as suggestive, plays for power, or just plain unwelcome. There’s a reliable way to distinguish between a friendly touch and potential harassment. This can be done by calmly saying, "This makes me feel uncomfortable. I’d like you to stop touching me." (In contrast to an aggressive response like, "Get your dirty hands off of me!") It also helps to say it loud enough, so others can hear your request.

If the person immediately stops touching you and apologizes for making you uncomfortable, the touch was friendly. In contrast, if the person continues touching and belittles you for being "too sensitive" or "too cold," this is the start of sexual harassment.

With these options at hand, we can still enjoy the positive aspects of touching without unreasonable fear of its misuse. A soft, brief touch of another person indicates caring and acceptance better than any words ever can. Comfortable touching can make us feel closer to others. At the same time, many people do not want to be touched or hugged. But it’s not their job to tell us that. Best bet for the workplace: If you have something to say, say it with words. The message, most probably, will be clearer.