Whiners/Complainers—How to Handle

Q. We have a co-worker who’s always complaining about something, and it’s

wearing us down. When we try to help him solve the problem, he always has reasons why our ideas won’t work. Is there another way to handle him? —Kay W.

A. Surprisingly, people who chronically complain or whine about a problem often don’t really want to see a solution. They usually see the negative side of any situation, and feel compelled to bring complaints to anyone who will listen. Sometimes they feel a major responsibility to tell you what's wrong with the company, the department, their life, the world,

Let’s profile what I call the typical whiner/complainer. They generalize every complaint. Nothing is ever right: people, material, equipment, etc.—“No one does what they're supposed to. Nothing ever works right around here.” Typically, you’ll also see

two other behaviors:

- They give little specific information

- The usually state a complaint and then walk away.

What causes the whining/complaining? Usually insecurity and a life pattern of feeling inadequate. Whiners usually feel a lack of power—personally, socially, politically, departmentally. They think they can’t do anything to remedy a situation. They often believe (usually wrongly) that the company or the boss won't give them the authority to do anything, especially when company policy is involved. They’ll often focus on a rule or experience that once prevented them from doing something, and then will project that experience to other situations.

Ask for Opposite Behaviors

The clue to handling the whiner actually lies in their behavior. In general, ask them to do the opposite of what they usually show:

• When they generalize, ask for specifics

• Whey they start to walk away, ask them to stay for a minute to finish the discussion

One thing you shouldn’t do: try to solve the problem for them. They often don’t want a solution, because it will deprive them of an opportunity to complain. There’s another, more positive way to view the complainer: as a resource. Sometimes what they complain about really is a problem that needs to be resolved; they’ve just blocked ways to solve it.

By zeroing in on the problem, you might be discover a valuable solution.

Try this the next time you’re cornered by a whiner. Acknowledge the complaint: “Thanks for stopping by, Joe, to let me know we have some internal company problems. I can see you’re concerned.” Ask for specific information--"Joe, you’ve mention several issues. Can you identify a specific problem so that we can try to solve the larger issue one problem at a time?”

You may get an answer like, “That won’t work, they’ll all tied together.” But probe further, and don’t let the whiner walk away. Backtrack and ask for specifics: “That may be true, but the only way we can get to the bottom of this is to take one issue at a time. What specifically caused you a problem?” From this point on, be firm on probing for specifics if the complainer tries to generalize: “Exactly when did this happen? What led up to it? Who said what to you? What actions did you try to take? What got in the way of your being able to solve the problem?”

Look for the key issue of what’s bothering them. Complainers often have analytical personalities, and are so overwhelmed with the details of a problem that they can’t see the core issue. Because we haven’t been steeped in the details, it’s often easier for us to see the real roadblock.

The next technique also treats the complainer as a resource: ask for his commitment to do some research and identify the problem in greater detail. Set a time frame, and don’t back down: “Joe, I think you may be on to something. I’d like to suggest that, for the next two weeks, you keep a diary or log of the times when this problem occurs, and note what was involved at the time: people, products, situations—everything you can think of. Then let’s meet again— say Wednesday, July 00—to see what you found out.”

And don’t back down if they make excuses for not having the time or resources: “Well, if you’d like to see this problem resolved, and you think I can help, I’ll need this data. When you have the information I ask for, we can talk further. That’s the only way I can work on this issue. How about it?”

And before the complainer leaves your office, summarize what was agreed to: “Joe, let’s lock in what we’ve just discussed. You’re concerned about_____. I said we need more specifics and you’ve agreed to log all the relevant details for the next two weeks. Then we’ll meet on July 00 to look into the next steps.”

One final thought. Some people really don’t want to solve the problem—just complain. If you’d dealing with one of these, just say, “Joe, I’ll be glad to work with you as soon as you’re ready to look into the specifics. Until then, I’d rather not hear any more about this issue. Thanks.”